You see, a couple months ago our dear Emily (who has a business transferring old movies to DVD and is my hero because of that little fact) dropped off our second installment of them. (The first installment and contact info for her is back here.)
There is nothing like a family movie.
You can take pictures by the boat-load and never, ever capture the voices and the depth of life the way you can with family movies.
Seriously, they make my heart warm.
But in a small way they make me sick to my stomach.
"How did those years pass so quickly?" I say to myself.
And I find myself wishing with all my heart I could reach right through that television screen and hold tight to that newborn. Smell her neck and watch her stretch her tiny feet out of my swaddling.
I wish I could fold that small, quirky boy who used to be Max into my lap and whisper in his ear how much I love him.
I wish I could sit down on the piano bench with that beginning piano player you can hear plunking away in the background.
I wish my voice didn't sound so funny behind the camera asking questions :)
But oh how I love reminiscing with the kids at how funny we were. How different things were. How much we have learned. How much we have changed. I love to hear Lucy coo over how "darling" she was as a baby and to see Grace's slow smile as she watches herself give a tour of her bedroom as a two-year-old spit-fire.
I sit and wonder: did I cherish those moments enough? Did I stoop down low to really look into those sweet, glistening eyes? Did I lie on the grass with them to watch the stars? Did I snuggle them into bed at night and tell them how proud I was of them?
But then I am comforted because to be honest there is love oozing out of those movies. I don't think you could hear more love in my voice for them in those silly questions if you tried.
Sometimes I wish I could revert to that mother I was. Man, I sure seemed nice.
There was no huffing and puffing, or nagging, or wringing my hands with worry about this or that.
Sure, there is an occasional child bawling as background music, but through that lens life seems so peaceful and serene.
I was lamenting the old days until my friend reminded me that no one pulls out their video camera when they are mad-as-a-hornet at their kids. No one thinks to capture the throw-up in the middle of the night or the trips to the doctor...or the fights with your husband. That stuff is filtered out and forgotten.
It's absence is filled in by the "happy birthday" songs with dimple-cheeked children and sunset walks creating halos around the messy hair of those darlings.
It sure seems all hunky-dorey in hindsight.
I was comparing that this week with blogs.
Sometimes only the highlights are captured. All the good and fun and glamorous parts of life. I really do try to keep it real on here, but sometimes I get carried away with the highlights and forget to put in the nitty-gritties.
I was extra aware of this last week when I got several comments from readers and even my husband that life sure seems pretty perfect around here according to this blog.
It reminded me that sometimes I need to back up and remind my future children (and others reading this blog) about the disclaimer I wrote back here (and put a link at the top of this blog).
Life is not all butterflies and rainbows around here.
Like how Lucy has worn Claire's huge, dirty flip-flops to church the last four weeks because I can't find Sunday shoes wide enough to fit her feet.
And how I got in a wing-dinger fight with Dave about who should do what on Sundays.
And that Max's teenager attitude is rearing up more and more.
And how I can't seem to manage my time to save my soul.
Our house project is slow as molasses.
Lucy's obsessive compulsive habits are on the verge of sending Dave into a tailspin of worry and her deteriorating eyesight weighs so heavy on our hearts sometimes we can scarcely think about anything else.
My health stuff is always inconclusive and I'm so sick to death of going to doctors to have them tell me they don't know any answers as to things like why my hair is falling out in handfulls, and Dave is trying to figure out some health stuff as well. Which equals that we are getting older. And that's not that fun.
Yeah, I do want to remember those things. The rough things make the good things that much sweeter. I'm not trying to compare our hard things to others...everyone has their own sorrows and worries that no one else can really fully understand. But that's the tough thing about blogs (and family movies), they don't show those things intermixed with the cheery smiles and special events.
But hey, I am as grateful as can be for life and I want to remember that gratitude.
Gratitude translates into silver lining on those black storm clouds that roll in so ominously.
And I'd rather concentrate on being thankful for the good than wallowing in the bad.
I have kids who are willing to work hard.
Lucy can see right now...and got some new whiz-bang glasses that help her even more.
...even if I'm mad at him.
...with the good and the bad that rolls along the way.
So, dear children and grand-children, be sure to read that disclaimer. And all the other "keeping it real" links I put in here. Because life is real.
But I still love it. And I feel like the luckiest girl ever to have what we have amidst the bumps along the road.